Sitting with grief, and my warm cup of soup, on a cold winter's day...
/As I sit here at the co-op, with my nearly 3 month old baby fast asleep on my chest, I hold my hands against my warm cup of soup on a cold winter’s day.
I just went about normal daily interactions with those around me - smiles shared with the cashier as they checked me out…
They don’t know I just said my forever goodbye to you. They don’t know my heart is fully broken.
It all just feels so heavy… walking around with a heart full of grief… how wild it is that others don’t know the pain that lives in our hearts, that is, unless we tell them. The simple truth that we’re all, at one point or another, just unknowingly carrying around such immense pain…
And as I sit here, with my soup, feeling a deep emptiness in my chest… contemplating life… death… The deeper meaning behind it all… The great mystery of it all… a Sheryl Crow song comes on... a song that brings me back to my childhood…All I Wanna Do is Have Some Fun.
The song’s energy felt so wrong and off putting at first… yet my opposition to it quickly shifted… a willingness inside me to accept the song, even amidst my grief… and then it hit me… of course! A smile began to form through my tears…
“All I wanna do is have a little fun before I die, says the man next to me, out of nowhere…” I tune into the lyrics … I tune into YOU … I close my eyes… my vivid memories of you begin pouring in. A whole scene emerges in my mind… and all of a sudden, I fully feel you here with me… and I’m smiling so big… because, my goodness, if you really were here, you’d surely be singing along and dancing… snapping your fingers… catching people’s attention… they wouldn’t be able to hold back their smiles - just witnessing you living so fully!
And that’s just who you were, my Titi… and that’s who I’ll carry in my heart… a bright ball of radiant love & joy … with a steadfast ability to connect with others on the simple pleasures in life.
You knew damn well how to have a good time, how to bring the joy in… and that’s just what you did…
over
and over
and over again.
When I think back on any memory with you, it’s one that was filled with an abundance of joy. My cheeks hurt from all the smiling. My abs ached from the deep belly laughter.
Pulled from my precious, and now tender memories of you, I come back to reality and take a look around me as Sheryl continues to sing her song…
Time seems to have slowed down. Everything gets a little more quiet… a little more real. As I scan my surroundings, It hits me…
No one is singing
no one is dancing
no one is laughing
no one is having ANY fun at all
Everything feels lifeless. Everyone is looking down at their screens. The lack of connection is so. deeply. palpable. It brings me to tears.
Every part of me wants to shake these people - don’t they realize how short life is?! Don’t they know they’re all going to die someday?!
It starts to sink in… your legacy… and what I’ll carry on in me for the rest of my life.
The pure sweetness of life. The beauty in the mundane. The warmth of our soup against our hands. The appreciation for the all the hard working humans among us who make the world go round! The importance of living so fully and presently in each moment. Honoring the simple, yet profound, human need and longing to connect and interact with others - any chance we get! And to do it authenticity … yes, that means showing up, just. as. we. are.
Brightening a strangers day with a warm smile. Giving, even when there may not be much reserves to pull from. And allowing ourselves to have some damn fun - YES!
To feel joy. To feel pleasure. To actually enjoy our soup!
These are the lessons you’ve taught me, without even trying to teach them… you had no idea how lovely you are.
You loved so big. You welcomed anyone in. You took care of others - in little ways and in big ways too. You opened up your home to those in need. Your laugh was contagious. Your smile was infectious. And that one dimple on your cheek, just like mine.
You unknowingly walked through life teaching others to revel in joy … to laugh … to dance … to play … to sing!
And as I sit here, with my sweet daughter still asleep against my chest, who I named after your mama, Willow Thérèse… I look down at her and find myself crying, yet again - sitting with the significance and beauty of her one dimple graced upon her cheek - just like yours, my auntie…
My family is saying their last goodbyes to you as I slowly sip on and savor my soup… they’re all taking turns whispering love into your ear as you lay unconscious in your hospital bed. I know you’re absorbing it all. All that love.
I cried to you through the phone this morning … how much I love you, and how much I’ll miss you. My other auntie, your big sister, tells me how peaceful you look.
If only I could travel through time and space … I’d be right there with you. Holding your hand. Reality strikes me… I won’t get to fulfill this longing I have to hug you, one last time. My heart aches so deeply knowing there won’t be another time. I let myself feel that… it hurts beyond words.
And yet, as I sit here in this moment, I fully FEEL you with me, right here & right now.You’ve traveled through time and space… embracing me with the hug I was longing for. It’s unexplainable, yet so deeply felt & known.
My titi Thelma, I feel so blessed to have had you as my auntie. The impact you’ve had on my life! Just, wow. I can picture you now up in heaven… rollerblading down the board walk as your beautiful curly hair bounces in the wind… you are radiant and glowing with health and ease. There’s a big hot bubble bath just waiting for you to soak your tired body and feet in after walking through this wild ride of life. There’s a bowl of elbows noodles hot and ready on the stove, with lots of butter and salt and pepper - simple comfort food- just like you loved. And we’re all down here just loving you, Titi. I hope you feel it and know it … all the lives you touched, and all the joy you brought. I hope you know how deeply loved you are. Your love will live on inside us all, forever and ever ❤️