Sitting with grief, and my warm cup of soup, on a cold winter's day...

Sitting with grief, and my warm cup of soup, on a cold winter's day...

As I sit here at the co-op, with my nearly 3 month old baby fast asleep on my chest, I hold my hands against my warm cup of soup on a cold winter’s day.

I just went about normal daily interactions with those around me - smiles shared with the cashier as they checked me out…

They don’t know I just said my forever goodbye to you. They don’t know my heart is fully broken.

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Adorning myself with the crown of "Mother"

Adorning myself with the crown of "Mother"

I spent the first six years of motherhood trying to fight my way back to my maiden self…
I longed to be the girl who could wake up in the morning and only worry about her own needs
The girl who ate food while it was hot and enjoyed a warm cup of tea listening only to the sound of silence
I spent years in resistance, trying to claw my way back to her
Desperate for a break
Desparate for a little freedom
Desparate for some peace and quiet…

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The home birth of Silas William

The home birth of Silas William

Early labor contractions started early Monday morning. They weren’t painful at all, but were continually coming every 3-5min, and were a little more tight and crampy than the usual Braxton Hicks I had been having.

My mom came to hang with Ayla while I went to visit my midwife that morning. We decided to do my first cervical check to get a baseline. I was 1cm dilated & 80% effaced. We talked about how these early labor contractions could go on for days and the importance of making sure I stay rested, hydrated, and well nourished.

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Our 6th Wedding Anniversary

Our 6th Wedding Anniversary

Ryan and I celebrated six years married, twelve years together on Sunday.

To be brutally honest, the last couple years have been hard on us. Really hard.

We took the time this past weekend to pull out our ceremony, vows and photos. Looking back on it all and re-reading our promises to one another was powerful. It’s like we knew we’d be sitting over a dinner table one day, celebrating our anniversary, yet feeling this heart breaking distance and disconnection between one another.

We knew times would get hard. We promised to work through those times together. We knew it wasn’t going to be easy. We committed to never giving up. We knew our love was stronger than any obstacle that would come our way...

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