Remembering Ourselves

I long to strip away all the conditioning I’ve received in this lifetime

to let go of all the “shoulds” that have been placed on me, without my permission

The purity of our childhood essence is slowly stripped away from us all

by the pained adults who had the very same thing done to themselves

And just like our children came here with deep knowing,

We came here too,

with such passion in our souls

But we’ve forgotten it all

And deeply need some reminding

we, too, once knew how to love unconditionally

how to be fully alive, and entirely present

how to revel in the simple beauty of life

how to move our bodies freely

we had it all figured out!

we, too, once knew

how to eat when we were hungry

And how to stop when we were comfortably full

We, too, once knew

how to cry when the pain came

And how to yell and stomp when feeling such anger

We, too, once knew

how to belly laugh with our friends

while rolling around on the floor

Without a single care in the world

we knew exactly how to feel what was real in each moment

We were free,

that is,

Until it was no longer an option

For it was slowly but surely trained right out of us all

“quit being so sensitive”

“sit still, and stop yelling”

“stop crying”

“My gosh, just quiet down already”

“Get over here”

“Hurry up, you’re making us late!”

“come eat up your food”

“Let’s go!”

“Why’d you drop that plate”

All of it adding up to the child not feeling worthy of love,

The child learning to no longer have trust in themselves

and the one wound that cut me the deepest as a child

the pain of feeling like you’re simply just “too much” for everyone else

We learned we were only lovable

by doing what we were told

So we stuffed down our feelings

And we followed the rules

We felt scared, though

something seemed so incredibly OFF

deep down we knew the truth

That all of this was WRONG

But we had to keep going

For we were being pulled right along

All the lies just kept growing

we lost touch with ourselves

All us children were left with the heartbreaking belief

that we’re not good enough

And we’re all longing for relief

We only feel lovable

if we fit inside a perfect little box

When really, we need to feel safe

being just. who. we. are.

We’re all walking around with broken hearts, aren’t we, though?

We’re all longing to be loved

to be seen

to be FELT

I know now, as a child and mother myself

how this cycle continues

and how we unknowingly let it grow

It happens when the overstimulated and overworked mother

who can’t handle the sound of her children’s shrieks for one more second

makes a mistake in a heightened moment,

From an unconscious place

the dreaded words loudly jump right out of her mouth

and land upon her innocent child’s spirit and heart

“WOULD YOU PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP SINGING SO LOUD?!”

the problem is the mother had learned as a child to hold in her feelings - fully denying herself

she had learned to run away from FEELING it all

so all of this tension built up over time

She hadn’t yet learned to let go of it all

she spent years upon years

holding it inside of herself

gritting her teeth

and just pushing on through

staying quiet

being “nice”

playing the part she’d been trained to

of course it all came out like fiery hot rage

Yes, we are all RAGE-FULL

Doesn’t it all make sense?

As I sat there that day

Sitting deep in my shame

After those dreaded words landed upon my daughter in that way

time stood still for a moment

As I took in the look on her face

Such sadness and fear

In her sweet little eyes

The heartbreaking pain

of an innocent child

The pain of that sting felt so very deep

For I had reopened a wound

That was much more than my own

it quickly grew from a sting

to a burning fire in my soul

before I knew it,

my heart was broken open to pieces

for I had realized the true DEPTH of this moment

I was in

The pain was much deeper than I had ever really known

It was years worth of pain

Pain that every human knows

pain for my daughter

who was jolted right out of her play

my daughter was now hurting

and I was to blame

Or was I?

Hold on, Let me just sit with that shame

and the pain for my very own six year old self,

who had heard similar words,

and in turn,

learned to diminish herself

and the pain for my mother

who was whole-heartedly just trying her best

to navigate her own life’s struggles

without receiving the love she needed then

and the pain for

Every single human

who is fighting this war

That lives inside of themselves

day in and day out

with no clear end in sight

We’re doing it tired, We’re doing it hungry

We’re doing it feeling SO VERY alone

We’re doing it with such deep pain in our souls

And with the added societal pressure of doing it right!

My goodness

It’s all just too much, isn’t it?

Of course we want to give up the fight

What brings me comfort amidst all of this heartache

is one simple truth

I’ll come back to,

again and again

the opportunity to heal and repair will always be there, in the end

It’ll be there,

Patiently and lovingly

Just waiting for us all

Too much time hasn’t passed

Even though sometimes

it might feel like it has

Your child is just longing for you

To say all the things

And It’s never too late!

You can offer this gift to your grown children

who are now adults and parents themselves

wounds can be healed

how beautiful is that?!

we are given the gift

of healing it all

alongside our children

And it never really ends

this is how we will heal the whole world, my friends

Once we realize the pain that lives inside of ourselves

Is alive and well inside everyone else

So after each rupture, we make sure we repair

we keep owning our mistakes

Again and again

we acknowledge all that our mothers were holding back then

We forgive them and we let love in

we forgive our parents,

our mothers

our husbands and brothers

We forgive our fathers

our wives

our sisters and brothers

We bring love

and compassion

and forgiveness right in!

We’ll have to keep doing it

Till the very end

we get down on our knees

we take our child’s hands into our own

we look them deep into their eyes

and say what they’re dying to know

We tell them everything they’ve deserved to hear all along

What they’ve been longing to hear come right out of our mouths

which of course is what our own six year old selves needed to hear all those years ago

so when you say it for them,

Also say it for you

And say it for every child on this earth

who longs for it too

“I am so sorry I hurt you

it wasn’t your fault

You have done absolutely nothing wrong

You were just being yourself

Your feelings matter to me

I see you

I hear you

I love you,

just as you are

There’s nothing you could ever do

At all in this life

That would make me stop loving you

I promise you that

Your voice is so beautiful

I love hearing you sing

Please don’t ever stop singing

Please don’t change a thing”

You then pull them into your

open loving arms

and hug them, the biggest bear hug you’ve ever known

and as you hug them,

Know that you’re radiating love out

in every direction

It’s so much more powerful than you could ever imagine!

A beam of love will be felt by your precious child before you,

which will ripple down into

your future grandchildren

A beam of healing

will be sent into your linage of mothers

Who only dreamed of knowing

this kind of Unconditional love

But wait, it gets better!

Stay with me, it’s real

A beam of healing will be sent into all of existence

Into every being that has ever stepped foot on this earth

For this is the kind of all encompassing love

Every single one of us

so deeply deserves

One day the whole world will know

sweet love and repair

But it starts within us

Not somewhere out there

And all of this love

has left me in awe of my life

the gift that while raising my own children,

I’m given the chance to re-raise myself

The gift of healing my relationship with my very own mother

Is everything to me

Because I can finally fully love her

I love her for all that she is,

and all she’s done

I love her

Because, just her love is enough

I don’t have to try to change a single thing about her

She’s worthy of being loved

Just how she is

It’s so breathtakingly beautiful

to feel and to know

Such deeply

profound

And such beautiful love

this is a dance I’ll keep dancing till the day that I die

For I am only a human who will likely make someone again cry

My subconscious programming

gets the best of me sometimes

There is lightness

And darkness

Inside of us all

And once you see it

and know it

You’ll feel right at home

Because once you let love in

you’ll remember yourself

And you’ll start seeing the love

inside everyone else

As much as I long to

keep getting it right

The truth is,

I won’t

I’ll get it wrong, Again and again

I know now What everyone has been talking about

The “god” that I couldn’t ever quite figure out

It’s inside me,

It’s inside of you too,

It’s LOVE

it’s everything

I feel it deep in my heart

I can’t quite explain it,

but somehow I just know

Because through all of this writing

and healing

and feeling

I’ve fully unlocked my own treasure chest of gold

I feel it inside me

While I’m writing these words

And it’s so very powerful

I feel a big lump in my throat

After so many long grueling years of my life

The depth of it all

It’s truly moving me to tears

It feels like these words

Aren’t even my own

They’re a beautiful lovingly hand written poem

a remembering,

that’s finally ready to be known

The words just keep flowing

Right out of my soul

And I’m supposed to tell you this

In case you don’t already know

The love that I’m feeling

It lives in you, too

Start writing

Start feeling

Start doing it

for you!

Please do it

Because the world needs it now more than ever before

Peace will come when we all start remembering ourselves!

Start writing or painting or singing or dancing

Please, do it

Do it in whatever way it longs to come through you

And please always try to remember this truth:

the opportunity to heal and repair will always be there,

Patiently and lovingly

Just waiting for you

So keep going

Keep taking it one step at a time

It’s grueling

It’s painful

I know,

it’s breaking your heart

But you’re doing it

I see you

You’re headed on your way home

You’re letting love in

You’re slowly forgiving yourself

Start thanking your children

For waking you up

They’re lovingly guiding you back home to yourself

There’s a sensitive and wild, free spirited child

that will live in your heart until the end of time

That little girl who fiercely followed what lit her up,

she’s in you,

just dying for you to wake up

And that little boy who wasn’t constrained by the time on a clock

He’s in there

Waiting for you to finally choose yourself

The girl who was free to get lost in her play

And the boy who was comfortable crying out tears of pain

The child who knew how to let it all out,

without any shame

They still live on in us all

And they’re just longing to come out and play

Let’s remember the child who didn’t even know how to care what other people thought

For we’re all children just longing to create such beautiful art

That’s the child I have remembered

While mothering my own kids

I remember, because I am her

I feel her again

There’s such freedom in just being ourselves

It’s beautiful

And the time is right here and right now

And just like that, while writing my heart out today

I’ve learned that life isn’t about growing up after all,

It’s about leaning in

and slowly remembering ourselves ❤️