The home birth of Silas William

Silas William, Born September 10th, 2019 @ 8:12am, 8lbs14oz, 21inches long

Early labor contractions started early Monday morning. They weren’t painful at all, but were continually coming every 3-5min, and were a little more tight and crampy than the usual Braxton Hicks I had been having.

My mom came to hang with Ayla while I went to visit my midwife that morning. We decided to do my first cervical check to get a baseline. I was 1cm dilated & 80% effaced. We talked about how these early labor contractions could go on for days and the importance of making sure I stay rested, hydrated, and well nourished.

On the way home, I had a big release of emotions and cried big tears while blasting spirit bird by Xavier Rudd on repeat. I knew I had to surrender to what was to come, and I knew that I would be meeting our son soon.

I came home and sat outside in the sun on the porch and called my aunt. She told me all about her experience with early labor, and how it went on for weeks. She delivered her fourth baby (a VBAC) 3 weeks past her due date! She reminded me with such love and excitement that my body was doing what it needed to in order to be ready for the real deal. I went to bed that night at peace with the idea that I would be in early labor for a while longer.

I woke up the next morning at 4:30 having to pee, but didn’t want to get out of bed. When I finally got up to the bathroom, I had a contraction that caught me off guard. It felt different than the others... it had more intensity to it.

A wave of excitement and wonder washed over me and left me wide awake. I decided to draw myself a bath. Ryan was sleeping in Ayla’s room with her, and I was enjoying the time to myself. I started timing the contractions in the tub, which were now coming every 2 minutes and picking up in intensity. I could still calmly breathe through them at this point. To be honest, I was pretty blissful. I was rested, excited and ready. I had my music playing, I was calm, I was happy, and I felt confident.

After about twenty minutes, I got the urge to move my body. I thought I’d get up, sit on the exercise ball in the bedroom, and labor alone for a bit longer. I was definitely not expecting the change that was coming. 

As I stepped foot out of the tub, I immediately felt a shift in energy. A strong contraction came over me and brought me down to my hands & knees. Once it passed, I popped open Ayla’s bedroom door and let Ryan know things were changing quickly.

It was now 5am. Between two surges, I texted our midwife & my mom telling them to come. I was surprised how quickly things were changing because with Ayla it had all progressed so slowly. As the next contraction came, I was back down to my hands & knees by my bedside... and that is where I stayed until our midwife arrived an hour and a half later.

I had no time to process what was happening, I fell right into a primal state - deeply moaning through the waves of energy, while resting my arms & upper body against the bed in between. There was no time to light the candles I had set out, or to glance over at my birth affirmations I had hung on the wall… and no walking or moving around like I had envisioned. I was in it and there was no moving from the ground I was laboring on.

Ayla woke up at 6am. Ryan held her while holding my hand at the bedside. Other than his hand to hold, I wanted nothing else. At one point he was sweetly saying things like “you’ve got this babe, you’re doing such a great job, keep breathing” and I pretty bluntly asked him to stop talking. I was within a different realm... one that I couldn’t be pulled out of.

The waves became more & more intense. As the pressure rose within my body, the energy would spread upwards towards my throat and needed to be released. With no thought or plan, the energy manifested in a deep and primal moan. If I didn’t let it out, it felt as though the pressure within me would cause me to explode. It was the wildest & most intense sensation I have ever felt. I was deeply rooted into the earth, and felt like a lioness had taken over my body while an otherworldly life force moved through me.

When my midwife arrived, she saw the state I was in & suggested we check my cervix. I truly questioned whether I wanted to, as I was so afraid of being let down. In my labor with Ayla, I would go 8 hours without any cervical change... 

The waves were coming pretty quickly and I wanted to time it so I didn’t have to go through one laying down on my back. As I stood up, another one came almost immediately. Once I finally laid down it felt like the longest wait of my life as she checked me. She then looked at me and said, “ok, good...you’re right at 8cm.” Words could never express the relief I felt hearing those words come out of her mouth. Tears immediately starting steaming as I cried out “are you serious?!?” My body was working... I wasn’t broken like Ayla’s birth had left me feeling. My mom walked in during this exact moment, but as the next wave washed over me, I was jolted out of my elation and back into my animal like state - on the floor - hands & needs - moaning at my bedside.

My mom took Ayla to the park while I spent another hour laboring on the floor, asking for the birth tub to be filled. I heard my midwife say to Ryan that there might not be time for the tub. They all knew how important it was to me, so they worked hard to fill it up.

Finally, the tub was somewhat filled, and I made my way in. Not as much relief as I was hoping for, as I was already in transition - there was no more relaxing between contractions it was just all so intense. I found myself in the same position in the tub as I was in at the bedside- hands & knees, with knees spread wide, and my upper body leaning forward over the wall of the tub. I completely went inward at this point and had tuned out everything around me.

I labored in the tub that way until I could feel his head sitting deep in my pelvis ready to come out. There was no question as to whether or not I should push, my body just knew it was time. The first couple pushes felt really satisfying & productive. But as I could start to feel myself stretching, I immediately wanted to suck him back up into my body and stop pushing. It was the wildest sensation to feel such a strong urge to push, but with that pushing feel a sharp stretching & burning sensation. I truly had a moment of thinking “ok, no thanks, I’m good, he can just stay in my body - I can’t do this” immediately followed you by “well fuck, I don’t really have another option.”

As the next wave came, with one big push, his head was born with the amniotic sac still intact. My midwife told me she could see him making cute little squishy faces through the sac. It felt like a long couple of minutes before the next wave came. As it started, with one more push, the bag of waters broke and his body was born. I quickly flipped over from being on hands and knees to laying on my back. They handed him to me, and I looked at everyone in the room crying in disbelief, “I’m really done?! It’s over?! I did it?!”

I spent the next 30 minutes or so in a shock like state. I was shaking, shivering, and I remember so badly just wanting to feel normal again so I could take in our sweet little Silas. Once I delivered my placenta and had some tinctures my midwife offered me, I was finally feeling back to myself, and could calmly love on and enjoy our sweet baby boy.

What an indescribable feeling, you guys. It’s truly hard to find words. To have gone through the most intense experience of your life... to go through such heavy moments of doubt... to experience sensations you never knew existed... to go from feeling like you truly can’t go on anymore, to all of a sudden realizing it’s just over.... and not only is it just over, but you have a perfect little newborn on your chest! The pure joy and elation... the profound sense of empowerment... the blissful indescribable high... the immense outpouring of love... it’s like no other. What a transformative process to experience. It is truly life changing.

Silas latched on right away and started nursing like a champ. The contractions were still pretty significant as my uterus was contracting back down.... but I was falling in love with our brand new baby boy, feeling high on life and so incredibly empowered.

My mom arrived back from the park with Ayla just after he was born. It was the sweetest moment in the world watching them meet for the first time. Ayla suddenly looked so big and so grown up. Witnessing the love and wonder in her eyes as she took him in was heart melting. There’s nothing like watching your first born baby love on your newborn.

I felt like I should get some rest, but my body and my brain were buzzing with excitement… I just needed to process it all out loud over and over again. I just kept thinking to myself, I did it!! Right after I had him I remember saying “ok, cool, I had my home birth. Check! Next baby, I’ll have an epidural again!” ha! It sure was an intense and wild 3 hours of active labor. Yet within hours of having him, I was like, never mind, I TOTALLY want to do that again.

It was pretty magical being home for it all. With no anxiety of having to pack up and decide when to head in, I was able to just relax into the moment and experience it all without that added stress. No bright lights… no strangers… no worry of being told what to do or how to do it… to be within the quiet and comfortable space of my own home was so comforting for me. It was also SO nice to not have to put Silas in the carseat just hours after he was born. We just snuggled up in bed for a few weeks, and had nowhere else to be but at home getting to know one another!

If I could do it all over again, I would choose another home birth, 100%. I am forever grateful for this transformative and empowering experience with Silas. 💛

A big thank you to Vicki Cane, my midwife, and her assistant Alakhi. They were absolutely wonderful from start to finish.

To ALL the mamas out there: you are fierce warriors. No matter how you brought your baby earth-side, please know you are strong, you are powerful and you are worthy.

My first birth experience did not go as I had hoped and dreamed, but my gosh, did I grow and learn from it. Both of my births were powerful and transformative in their own ways. I am beyond grateful for the two experiences, as they have made me who I am, and have offered me the opportunity to reflect and grow as a mother.

I will be sharing Ayla’s birth story soon… it was a hard experience for me - one that I was not ready to reflect on and write out for many months. Yet, now that time has passed, I am able to view that experience without pain and heartache surfacing - only love and compassion. 💛